I haven't written in a while but it has been weighing on my heart to get some things out. Not to many people have been "in the loop" about what is going on in my life or the toll that it has been taking on me. I am trying to free up some space in my mind and share my experiences in hopes to get feedback on how to deal.
My mom and I have not had the closest relationship throughout my childhood or early young adulthood. I have had so many resentments toward her for things she had done to me and the things she wouldn't do for me. After i became a mother those resentments came to surface with full force. I was angry with her every time we talked. Every time I was around her I just felt my stomach in knots. This went on for years with more and more building on.
A little over two years ago my mom was told that she had a cancerous tumor in her uterus. I found myself so mad because I didn't care more. Upset that I wasn't worried. Almost relieved that maybe this roller coaster of a relationship that we had might just be close to over. I HATED myself for feeling this way. Yes, she was a really crappy mom, but she was an awesome grandmother. Would it be ok if they never got to know her? What if they never remembered her? No, this couldn't happen. So we started our journey to doctor appointments and hassling the insurance company. Finally after fighting and fighting we got a Hysterectomy scheduled. Two weeks after her surgery(in which they left her ovaries because they "looked fine") her insurance ran out and no real follow up care was done. Our relationship had been renewed. I had let everything go. It felt great. So, for the last two years we have been building our relationship and I had been working on loving her unconditionally.
A few months ago we had been noticing that my mother was gaining weight, just in her midsection. We chalked it up to too many sweets and made jokes. No big deal. Then she started not feeling well, all the time. She couldn't go to the bathroom and her abdomen was swollen and hard. We started looking into things for constipation. With no insurance, our options were limited. After a few weeks of home remedies we decided something else needed to be done. She signed up for a constipation trial where she would get a free physical and they would try to help her. Win-win situation. So, on March 22, 2012 my mom went to her first constipation trial appointment. Four and a half hours after her appointment time she called and asked me to go to her house so she could talk to me. of course i was there right away and she handed me a page that the doctor had given her about tumors. then she proceeded to tell me that she could no longer do the trial and that the doctor had told her to go straight to the hospital.
My mother, being the way she is, decided she wanted to wait until Monday. I convinced her otherwise. Saturday March 24, 2012 she went to the closest, fully equip hospital. After being there all day she finally called me. "Nikki, I need you and your brother to be at my house when I get there. There is something I need to talk to you guys about.". When she got home I could tell that she and my grandmother had been crying. She handed me a DVD and a booklet of papers. The very first page at the very top read, "Ovarian Cancer". I popped in the DVD and went through the images of the x-rays and ct scans she had done. the tumor was so huge. 27.6cm X 16.7cm X 22.4cm. The doctor told her she had to go to another hospital twenty minutes away that was better to handle her needs. The doctor told her "If I were you, I would go spend the night at home tonight. Be with your loved ones as long as you can."
The next day was a blur. They admitted her to the county hospital, told us it would be days before she could leave. She had IVs, monitors, and blood transfusions. They also informed us that she indeed had a cancerous tumor that had started on her right ovary. It was now so large that it was crushing every other organ in her abdomen. They couldn't do any surgery until her body was strong enough. They couldn't do the surgery because she was a cancer patient and only the GYN Oncologist could do her surgery to remove the tumor. This is a County Hospital and the GYN Oncologist is only there doing surgeries once a week.
They discharged her a week later, with a basket full of meds. Since that day there has been frequent visits to the emergency room, weeks of vomiting blood, sleepiness, and plenty of pain. it hurts to see her deteriorate before my eyes. She has a scheduled surgery for May 8,2012. The doctors don't seem very promising. I have never seen someone get as many hugs and "I'm sorry"s from doctors as my mother receives. I am trying so hard to be the strong one. to be the one that holds it together. But there are days where I feel as though I am breaking at the seams. I know that no one is ready to lose a parent, but it feels as though we have only had a few years together, times that were actually good. I am not ready to lose her.
I am going to try to keep those who are interested involved in they process of how things are going. Forgive me if I seem a little flighty or just generally not in a good mood. I am trying to keep my head up and be as positive as I can be. If anyone has any questions, please call or write me a message. Also, anyone that has any tips or advise, whether it is from personal experience or otherwise, please don't hesitate to lay it on me. I can use whatever you have for me.
Thank you for reading.
