This has been the worst week of my life up to date.
Last week when my mom was admitted into the ICU, things were crazy. We were left in the dark about sooooo many things. Once the doctors started explaining everything that was wrong with her I kinda wished they still hadn't said anything. We found out that she had severe pneumonia, a high fever, and that her lungs weren't working like they should. Everyday just brought on more bad news. More swelling. Higher fever. No surgery could be done until they figured out where the blood that she was throwing up was coming from. They couldn't do the scope to see where the blood was coming from until her fever went down.
As the days were going on and the more tired we got, things just seemed more and more hopeless. Each day they were having to up her morphine and her sedation. They kept having to increasing her ventilator. We were just devastated. My mom didn't want any of this. She didn't deserve any of this. She may have been a lot of things and had her issues to work out, but this suffering was uncalled for. By Friday we had a few nurses and doctors tell us that my mom would not be leaving the hospital. That she was not going to be able to get better. We were breaking down. The only thing they had been able to do was the scope and found an ulcer in her esophagus. No active bleed. That was good. That was the only good thing that had happened.
By the weekend we were done. What kind of monsters were we for letting her suffer? She wasn't going to get better. We couldn't do this to her anymore. I couldn't watch her be miserable any longer. My grandma and I had to finally talk about what to do. We agreed the only humane thing to do was to let her go. We decided to get a meeting with the doctor to decide when we should start moving forward with her last wishes. I was heartbroken.
Yesterday we had that meeting. The general doctors meet with us and told us there was only one hope. Surgery. Unless she had the tumor removed, her lungs would not be able to get better. The surgeons had told us before that as long as she was so sick that there would be no surgery. They also said that they were going to try to talk the surgeons into the surgery one more time. If the surgeons said no, we would start making my mom comfortable and taking her off the ventilator. Our hopes were not high. They told us to come in the next morning for an answer and then we would know what direction we were heading in. This morning was that morning.
When I got to the hospital, I was preparing to say goodbye to my mother. We waited for the doctor. After a while the called me in. I was so nervous. Was I ready to do this? Is anyone? As we sat and listened to how serious things were and how she was so sick. But then I heard something else. "She is a fighter, I can't just give up on her." What was he saying? Then I realized. They were going to do the surgery!! I couldn't believe it. After we had given up all hope, there was the silver lining.
So, they are doing the surgery.
They are doing it sometime within a week.
They are hopeful that with the surgery, her other problems will resolve themselves.
I want to thank everyone who has been praying with us or just sending your good vibes. Things are looking hopeful and I am so glad that I just might get to have my mom around a little longer! They road is still very long and we will need all your good mojo in the weeks to come, but thank you! Lots of love to pass around tonight :)
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
In an Instant....
I bet everyone who reads this blog is wondering about the surgery.
No surgery yet. Since my mom was admitted into the hospital last week, she has not been discharged. She was doing ok but her legs were still swollen and they wanted to keep her pain managed. Saturday I went to go spend a little time with her and she was doing good. She was talking and walking around. We were getting pretty excited that the day was coming soon! Sunday Rudy and I went again to visit for awhile and she was still doing alright. She talked with us but mentioned that she had threw up a little blood. She had thrown up blood before and I told her to make sure she let the nurse know what was going on. I also told her that I would make sure that my little brother came to see her the next day(Monday). I went home happy that things were going well and that we were one day closer to The Day.
The next day I went to work and after I got off I picked up my brother and headed over to see my mom. We joked in the car and were pretty sure we were just going to say Hi and leave. Not the case at all.
When we walked into her room she had IVs hooked up and was getting oxygen cause her stats were a little low. My grandma pulled us to the side and told us that she had been vomiting more blood, a lot more. Also that her heart rate was super high, 150s, and she had now developed a fever. So the Dr.s decided that they needed to stick a scope in her throat to find where she was bleeding. They finally got her fever down enough to do the procedure, so they whisked her off. We waited. And waited. Finally a nurse came in. She told us that we needed to get all of my mothers things together because she was not coming back to that room. She told us there was a complication and that after she left the recovery room that she would be going to ICU. My grandma and I went home and changed and ate, then we went straight back.
When they finally let us see her it was a HUGE shock. She had been intubated, there was a tube in her nose going to her stomach, she was completely sedated. I never imagined seeing her like that. I was horrified. Then the nurse came in and filled us in on everything.
They couldn't do the procedure.
She had stopped breathing.
Her fever was to high.
No surgery.
Today has been better. she had lots of love around her today. She finally got her fever down enough to get the procedure done which showed no active bleed!! So if she can stay stable for a few days they will be able to do the surgery!! We have waited this long, a few more days shouldn't be that bad, right?
Prayers, Prayers,Prayers. Good thoughts. Good vibes. However it is that you feel works. Please keep my mom in your thoughts. We need everything we can get.
Thanks for reading.
No surgery yet. Since my mom was admitted into the hospital last week, she has not been discharged. She was doing ok but her legs were still swollen and they wanted to keep her pain managed. Saturday I went to go spend a little time with her and she was doing good. She was talking and walking around. We were getting pretty excited that the day was coming soon! Sunday Rudy and I went again to visit for awhile and she was still doing alright. She talked with us but mentioned that she had threw up a little blood. She had thrown up blood before and I told her to make sure she let the nurse know what was going on. I also told her that I would make sure that my little brother came to see her the next day(Monday). I went home happy that things were going well and that we were one day closer to The Day.
The next day I went to work and after I got off I picked up my brother and headed over to see my mom. We joked in the car and were pretty sure we were just going to say Hi and leave. Not the case at all.
When we walked into her room she had IVs hooked up and was getting oxygen cause her stats were a little low. My grandma pulled us to the side and told us that she had been vomiting more blood, a lot more. Also that her heart rate was super high, 150s, and she had now developed a fever. So the Dr.s decided that they needed to stick a scope in her throat to find where she was bleeding. They finally got her fever down enough to do the procedure, so they whisked her off. We waited. And waited. Finally a nurse came in. She told us that we needed to get all of my mothers things together because she was not coming back to that room. She told us there was a complication and that after she left the recovery room that she would be going to ICU. My grandma and I went home and changed and ate, then we went straight back.
When they finally let us see her it was a HUGE shock. She had been intubated, there was a tube in her nose going to her stomach, she was completely sedated. I never imagined seeing her like that. I was horrified. Then the nurse came in and filled us in on everything.
They couldn't do the procedure.
She had stopped breathing.
Her fever was to high.
No surgery.
Today has been better. she had lots of love around her today. She finally got her fever down enough to get the procedure done which showed no active bleed!! So if she can stay stable for a few days they will be able to do the surgery!! We have waited this long, a few more days shouldn't be that bad, right?
Prayers, Prayers,Prayers. Good thoughts. Good vibes. However it is that you feel works. Please keep my mom in your thoughts. We need everything we can get.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I am not good at updating....
It is May 16th. No surgery has been done. The 8th had been moved to the 15th which has now been moved to the 22nd. But, the 22nd is for sure! Yay!
Things have been tough these last few weeks. My mother has been steadily getting worse. She is currently admitted into the hospital because of the unbearable pain and her legs have swelled so badly it is hard for her to walk or move them. It is hard to watch her like this. I didn't think this was something that my brothers and I would have to see so young. The person I feel the deepest sorrow for is my grandmother. She has been by my moms side this whole time. She has done everything for her. I see the pain in her eyes every time I am with her. No parent should have to see their child suffer the way my mother is.
Everyday my mom and I do this thing where before I leave or hang up the phone we say the number of days left till her surgery. Six days. It is getting harder to say each day. Knowing it is so close but it may not be close enough. One thought that keeps crossing my mind is, what if after her surgery it is still to late. This is an all to real possibility. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is hard for me to do. I am a planner. I am a doer. But there is nothing I can plan. There is nothing I can do. I feel so lost some days. If it was not for my wonderful husband and beautiful children, I am not sure the state I would be in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try to be better with the updates.
Six Days.
Six Days
Six Days.
Things have been tough these last few weeks. My mother has been steadily getting worse. She is currently admitted into the hospital because of the unbearable pain and her legs have swelled so badly it is hard for her to walk or move them. It is hard to watch her like this. I didn't think this was something that my brothers and I would have to see so young. The person I feel the deepest sorrow for is my grandmother. She has been by my moms side this whole time. She has done everything for her. I see the pain in her eyes every time I am with her. No parent should have to see their child suffer the way my mother is.
Everyday my mom and I do this thing where before I leave or hang up the phone we say the number of days left till her surgery. Six days. It is getting harder to say each day. Knowing it is so close but it may not be close enough. One thought that keeps crossing my mind is, what if after her surgery it is still to late. This is an all to real possibility. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is hard for me to do. I am a planner. I am a doer. But there is nothing I can plan. There is nothing I can do. I feel so lost some days. If it was not for my wonderful husband and beautiful children, I am not sure the state I would be in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try to be better with the updates.
Six Days.
Six Days
Six Days.
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