It has been a week since I posted.
Last Tuesday I was prepared to give up. I was then turned around with a whole new hope. Surgery was going to be done. She was going to get better because that tumor would be out.
Wednesday I went to see her, as I do everyday. Swarmed with Dr.s, signing papers, discussing precautions and risks. The surgery had been scheduled for the next day. I could not be more excited. Things were finally moving along. Things were going to get better.
Thursday morning about 9:30 am they took my mother into surgery. It only lasted around two hours. There was good news. Her tumor was benign. They were able to remove the whole tumor. All 18lbs of it. Her swelling was going down. Everything looked so good, so hopeful.
Each day that has passed there have been hopeful signs. Bits of improvement. Each day I have walked into her room and been surprised by the way she looks and acts. Everything was getting better.
Now today the clouds have settled in. The pneumonia won't go away. She has developed an antibiotic resistant bacterial infection. Her lungs are not getting stronger.
Today I signed papers to allow the doctors to do a tracheotomy and to place a feeding tube in her abdomen. These are things she never wanted. She seems better in so many ways. I don't understand how we can't move forward. Why can't things stay good for awhile? I just want to be able to sit and talk to her without crying. I hate watching her miserable. She is such a stubborn lady. She doesn't want to be in a bed with tubes coming out of her. I hate this.
When is it enough? When will this hurt be over? Where is the line between help and torture?
I am having a hard night. Are things getting better and I am not realizing? I feel very alone tonight. Prayers are needed. Good thoughts are needed. Let's hope for this tunnel to end soon. Let's hope there is a light at the end of it. Thank all of you for all the prayers you have been sending. I am not sure we would have made it this far.
I will try to update when there is news.
Thanks for reading.
Honey, I think the line between help and torture lies in the word "hope." It seems now that there is hope. And you know that I am living proof that sometime the present torture makes way for the future life. Please keep that little light in your heart as you go through this. They are working to make her better, although it really sucks for now. I'm sorry you have to go through all this, and sorry for your mom too. I will continue to pray, and you all continue to be in my heart.
ReplyDeleteMy sweet Nikki, honey I'm not supposed to be alive myself, I almost died twice. There is toughness in your family. Your own daddy was saved from almost certain death by the Lord. Your mom has been through a lot and she's shown she's a fighter, we can't always expect overnight miracles. I've got huge faith in the Lord and in your mom, it feels to me like a warm wind that starts blowing easy and then gets stronger and stonger, I feel it wafting through your presence with her this night, easy and sweet. I will pray and the Lord will hear. Bless you, comfort you, love Jenny, love Suzi.
ReplyDeleteHey sweetie,
ReplyDeleteDon't be scared by the tubes, etc. They aren't permanent. Grandma's been intubated, so have I, and we aren't any more. :-) The feeding tube sometimes is very necessary in order for the body to get enough protein to fight off infection, especially if someone is too sick or sedated to eat. Just this last week I watched a friend of mine waste away in the hospital because she was adamant about not wanting a feeding tube, but developed an infection that cost her her life. I totally understood her not wanting one, however the doctor explained to us that without the protein, her body simply couldn't fight off the infection, and the infection won. She was so heavily sedated because of the pain, that her family couldn't explain it to her, and so they had to honor her last known wishes of not wanting a tube at any cost.
I know you are doing the absolute best you can, and trying to be wise in your decisions regarding your mother. I know it's scary seeing her so helpless, and scary to be the one to make life and death decisions. I'm pretty sure she wants to live and I say always make your decisions based on that. We never know if just a few more days of "being on tubes" may make all the difference in the world. So, err on the side of life if you have to err at all. That's my advice. I don't know how sedated she is, but if she's not able to communicate, ask the doctors to let her come out of the sedation so that you can talk to her. When Grandma was in that situation, we were amazed at how cognizant she was when they brought her out of sedation. We didn't know it was the sedation keeping her from communicating with us! I know you are doing your best, and praying for God to give you wisdom. We are praying with you, sweetie. It will help to keep talking about it so that you can brainstorm with others - or sometimes just hearing yourself say stuff out loud brings clarity! :-)
We love you and are with you all the way. Keep us updated, OK?