This has been the worst week of my life up to date.
Last week when my mom was admitted into the ICU, things were crazy. We were left in the dark about sooooo many things. Once the doctors started explaining everything that was wrong with her I kinda wished they still hadn't said anything. We found out that she had severe pneumonia, a high fever, and that her lungs weren't working like they should. Everyday just brought on more bad news. More swelling. Higher fever. No surgery could be done until they figured out where the blood that she was throwing up was coming from. They couldn't do the scope to see where the blood was coming from until her fever went down.
As the days were going on and the more tired we got, things just seemed more and more hopeless. Each day they were having to up her morphine and her sedation. They kept having to increasing her ventilator. We were just devastated. My mom didn't want any of this. She didn't deserve any of this. She may have been a lot of things and had her issues to work out, but this suffering was uncalled for. By Friday we had a few nurses and doctors tell us that my mom would not be leaving the hospital. That she was not going to be able to get better. We were breaking down. The only thing they had been able to do was the scope and found an ulcer in her esophagus. No active bleed. That was good. That was the only good thing that had happened.
By the weekend we were done. What kind of monsters were we for letting her suffer? She wasn't going to get better. We couldn't do this to her anymore. I couldn't watch her be miserable any longer. My grandma and I had to finally talk about what to do. We agreed the only humane thing to do was to let her go. We decided to get a meeting with the doctor to decide when we should start moving forward with her last wishes. I was heartbroken.
Yesterday we had that meeting. The general doctors meet with us and told us there was only one hope. Surgery. Unless she had the tumor removed, her lungs would not be able to get better. The surgeons had told us before that as long as she was so sick that there would be no surgery. They also said that they were going to try to talk the surgeons into the surgery one more time. If the surgeons said no, we would start making my mom comfortable and taking her off the ventilator. Our hopes were not high. They told us to come in the next morning for an answer and then we would know what direction we were heading in. This morning was that morning.
When I got to the hospital, I was preparing to say goodbye to my mother. We waited for the doctor. After a while the called me in. I was so nervous. Was I ready to do this? Is anyone? As we sat and listened to how serious things were and how she was so sick. But then I heard something else. "She is a fighter, I can't just give up on her." What was he saying? Then I realized. They were going to do the surgery!! I couldn't believe it. After we had given up all hope, there was the silver lining.
So, they are doing the surgery.
They are doing it sometime within a week.
They are hopeful that with the surgery, her other problems will resolve themselves.
I want to thank everyone who has been praying with us or just sending your good vibes. Things are looking hopeful and I am so glad that I just might get to have my mom around a little longer! They road is still very long and we will need all your good mojo in the weeks to come, but thank you! Lots of love to pass around tonight :)
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
In an Instant....
I bet everyone who reads this blog is wondering about the surgery.
No surgery yet. Since my mom was admitted into the hospital last week, she has not been discharged. She was doing ok but her legs were still swollen and they wanted to keep her pain managed. Saturday I went to go spend a little time with her and she was doing good. She was talking and walking around. We were getting pretty excited that the day was coming soon! Sunday Rudy and I went again to visit for awhile and she was still doing alright. She talked with us but mentioned that she had threw up a little blood. She had thrown up blood before and I told her to make sure she let the nurse know what was going on. I also told her that I would make sure that my little brother came to see her the next day(Monday). I went home happy that things were going well and that we were one day closer to The Day.
The next day I went to work and after I got off I picked up my brother and headed over to see my mom. We joked in the car and were pretty sure we were just going to say Hi and leave. Not the case at all.
When we walked into her room she had IVs hooked up and was getting oxygen cause her stats were a little low. My grandma pulled us to the side and told us that she had been vomiting more blood, a lot more. Also that her heart rate was super high, 150s, and she had now developed a fever. So the Dr.s decided that they needed to stick a scope in her throat to find where she was bleeding. They finally got her fever down enough to do the procedure, so they whisked her off. We waited. And waited. Finally a nurse came in. She told us that we needed to get all of my mothers things together because she was not coming back to that room. She told us there was a complication and that after she left the recovery room that she would be going to ICU. My grandma and I went home and changed and ate, then we went straight back.
When they finally let us see her it was a HUGE shock. She had been intubated, there was a tube in her nose going to her stomach, she was completely sedated. I never imagined seeing her like that. I was horrified. Then the nurse came in and filled us in on everything.
They couldn't do the procedure.
She had stopped breathing.
Her fever was to high.
No surgery.
Today has been better. she had lots of love around her today. She finally got her fever down enough to get the procedure done which showed no active bleed!! So if she can stay stable for a few days they will be able to do the surgery!! We have waited this long, a few more days shouldn't be that bad, right?
Prayers, Prayers,Prayers. Good thoughts. Good vibes. However it is that you feel works. Please keep my mom in your thoughts. We need everything we can get.
Thanks for reading.
No surgery yet. Since my mom was admitted into the hospital last week, she has not been discharged. She was doing ok but her legs were still swollen and they wanted to keep her pain managed. Saturday I went to go spend a little time with her and she was doing good. She was talking and walking around. We were getting pretty excited that the day was coming soon! Sunday Rudy and I went again to visit for awhile and she was still doing alright. She talked with us but mentioned that she had threw up a little blood. She had thrown up blood before and I told her to make sure she let the nurse know what was going on. I also told her that I would make sure that my little brother came to see her the next day(Monday). I went home happy that things were going well and that we were one day closer to The Day.
The next day I went to work and after I got off I picked up my brother and headed over to see my mom. We joked in the car and were pretty sure we were just going to say Hi and leave. Not the case at all.
When we walked into her room she had IVs hooked up and was getting oxygen cause her stats were a little low. My grandma pulled us to the side and told us that she had been vomiting more blood, a lot more. Also that her heart rate was super high, 150s, and she had now developed a fever. So the Dr.s decided that they needed to stick a scope in her throat to find where she was bleeding. They finally got her fever down enough to do the procedure, so they whisked her off. We waited. And waited. Finally a nurse came in. She told us that we needed to get all of my mothers things together because she was not coming back to that room. She told us there was a complication and that after she left the recovery room that she would be going to ICU. My grandma and I went home and changed and ate, then we went straight back.
When they finally let us see her it was a HUGE shock. She had been intubated, there was a tube in her nose going to her stomach, she was completely sedated. I never imagined seeing her like that. I was horrified. Then the nurse came in and filled us in on everything.
They couldn't do the procedure.
She had stopped breathing.
Her fever was to high.
No surgery.
Today has been better. she had lots of love around her today. She finally got her fever down enough to get the procedure done which showed no active bleed!! So if she can stay stable for a few days they will be able to do the surgery!! We have waited this long, a few more days shouldn't be that bad, right?
Prayers, Prayers,Prayers. Good thoughts. Good vibes. However it is that you feel works. Please keep my mom in your thoughts. We need everything we can get.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
I am not good at updating....
It is May 16th. No surgery has been done. The 8th had been moved to the 15th which has now been moved to the 22nd. But, the 22nd is for sure! Yay!
Things have been tough these last few weeks. My mother has been steadily getting worse. She is currently admitted into the hospital because of the unbearable pain and her legs have swelled so badly it is hard for her to walk or move them. It is hard to watch her like this. I didn't think this was something that my brothers and I would have to see so young. The person I feel the deepest sorrow for is my grandmother. She has been by my moms side this whole time. She has done everything for her. I see the pain in her eyes every time I am with her. No parent should have to see their child suffer the way my mother is.
Everyday my mom and I do this thing where before I leave or hang up the phone we say the number of days left till her surgery. Six days. It is getting harder to say each day. Knowing it is so close but it may not be close enough. One thought that keeps crossing my mind is, what if after her surgery it is still to late. This is an all to real possibility. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is hard for me to do. I am a planner. I am a doer. But there is nothing I can plan. There is nothing I can do. I feel so lost some days. If it was not for my wonderful husband and beautiful children, I am not sure the state I would be in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try to be better with the updates.
Six Days.
Six Days
Six Days.
Things have been tough these last few weeks. My mother has been steadily getting worse. She is currently admitted into the hospital because of the unbearable pain and her legs have swelled so badly it is hard for her to walk or move them. It is hard to watch her like this. I didn't think this was something that my brothers and I would have to see so young. The person I feel the deepest sorrow for is my grandmother. She has been by my moms side this whole time. She has done everything for her. I see the pain in her eyes every time I am with her. No parent should have to see their child suffer the way my mother is.
Everyday my mom and I do this thing where before I leave or hang up the phone we say the number of days left till her surgery. Six days. It is getting harder to say each day. Knowing it is so close but it may not be close enough. One thought that keeps crossing my mind is, what if after her surgery it is still to late. This is an all to real possibility. I am trying to take it one day at a time but it is hard for me to do. I am a planner. I am a doer. But there is nothing I can plan. There is nothing I can do. I feel so lost some days. If it was not for my wonderful husband and beautiful children, I am not sure the state I would be in.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try to be better with the updates.
Six Days.
Six Days
Six Days.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
So this is what's going on.......
I haven't written in a while but it has been weighing on my heart to get some things out. Not to many people have been "in the loop" about what is going on in my life or the toll that it has been taking on me. I am trying to free up some space in my mind and share my experiences in hopes to get feedback on how to deal.
My mom and I have not had the closest relationship throughout my childhood or early young adulthood. I have had so many resentments toward her for things she had done to me and the things she wouldn't do for me. After i became a mother those resentments came to surface with full force. I was angry with her every time we talked. Every time I was around her I just felt my stomach in knots. This went on for years with more and more building on.
A little over two years ago my mom was told that she had a cancerous tumor in her uterus. I found myself so mad because I didn't care more. Upset that I wasn't worried. Almost relieved that maybe this roller coaster of a relationship that we had might just be close to over. I HATED myself for feeling this way. Yes, she was a really crappy mom, but she was an awesome grandmother. Would it be ok if they never got to know her? What if they never remembered her? No, this couldn't happen. So we started our journey to doctor appointments and hassling the insurance company. Finally after fighting and fighting we got a Hysterectomy scheduled. Two weeks after her surgery(in which they left her ovaries because they "looked fine") her insurance ran out and no real follow up care was done. Our relationship had been renewed. I had let everything go. It felt great. So, for the last two years we have been building our relationship and I had been working on loving her unconditionally.
A few months ago we had been noticing that my mother was gaining weight, just in her midsection. We chalked it up to too many sweets and made jokes. No big deal. Then she started not feeling well, all the time. She couldn't go to the bathroom and her abdomen was swollen and hard. We started looking into things for constipation. With no insurance, our options were limited. After a few weeks of home remedies we decided something else needed to be done. She signed up for a constipation trial where she would get a free physical and they would try to help her. Win-win situation. So, on March 22, 2012 my mom went to her first constipation trial appointment. Four and a half hours after her appointment time she called and asked me to go to her house so she could talk to me. of course i was there right away and she handed me a page that the doctor had given her about tumors. then she proceeded to tell me that she could no longer do the trial and that the doctor had told her to go straight to the hospital.
My mother, being the way she is, decided she wanted to wait until Monday. I convinced her otherwise. Saturday March 24, 2012 she went to the closest, fully equip hospital. After being there all day she finally called me. "Nikki, I need you and your brother to be at my house when I get there. There is something I need to talk to you guys about.". When she got home I could tell that she and my grandmother had been crying. She handed me a DVD and a booklet of papers. The very first page at the very top read, "Ovarian Cancer". I popped in the DVD and went through the images of the x-rays and ct scans she had done. the tumor was so huge. 27.6cm X 16.7cm X 22.4cm. The doctor told her she had to go to another hospital twenty minutes away that was better to handle her needs. The doctor told her "If I were you, I would go spend the night at home tonight. Be with your loved ones as long as you can."
The next day was a blur. They admitted her to the county hospital, told us it would be days before she could leave. She had IVs, monitors, and blood transfusions. They also informed us that she indeed had a cancerous tumor that had started on her right ovary. It was now so large that it was crushing every other organ in her abdomen. They couldn't do any surgery until her body was strong enough. They couldn't do the surgery because she was a cancer patient and only the GYN Oncologist could do her surgery to remove the tumor. This is a County Hospital and the GYN Oncologist is only there doing surgeries once a week.
They discharged her a week later, with a basket full of meds. Since that day there has been frequent visits to the emergency room, weeks of vomiting blood, sleepiness, and plenty of pain. it hurts to see her deteriorate before my eyes. She has a scheduled surgery for May 8,2012. The doctors don't seem very promising. I have never seen someone get as many hugs and "I'm sorry"s from doctors as my mother receives. I am trying so hard to be the strong one. to be the one that holds it together. But there are days where I feel as though I am breaking at the seams. I know that no one is ready to lose a parent, but it feels as though we have only had a few years together, times that were actually good. I am not ready to lose her.
I am going to try to keep those who are interested involved in they process of how things are going. Forgive me if I seem a little flighty or just generally not in a good mood. I am trying to keep my head up and be as positive as I can be. If anyone has any questions, please call or write me a message. Also, anyone that has any tips or advise, whether it is from personal experience or otherwise, please don't hesitate to lay it on me. I can use whatever you have for me.
Thank you for reading.
My mom and I have not had the closest relationship throughout my childhood or early young adulthood. I have had so many resentments toward her for things she had done to me and the things she wouldn't do for me. After i became a mother those resentments came to surface with full force. I was angry with her every time we talked. Every time I was around her I just felt my stomach in knots. This went on for years with more and more building on.
A little over two years ago my mom was told that she had a cancerous tumor in her uterus. I found myself so mad because I didn't care more. Upset that I wasn't worried. Almost relieved that maybe this roller coaster of a relationship that we had might just be close to over. I HATED myself for feeling this way. Yes, she was a really crappy mom, but she was an awesome grandmother. Would it be ok if they never got to know her? What if they never remembered her? No, this couldn't happen. So we started our journey to doctor appointments and hassling the insurance company. Finally after fighting and fighting we got a Hysterectomy scheduled. Two weeks after her surgery(in which they left her ovaries because they "looked fine") her insurance ran out and no real follow up care was done. Our relationship had been renewed. I had let everything go. It felt great. So, for the last two years we have been building our relationship and I had been working on loving her unconditionally.
A few months ago we had been noticing that my mother was gaining weight, just in her midsection. We chalked it up to too many sweets and made jokes. No big deal. Then she started not feeling well, all the time. She couldn't go to the bathroom and her abdomen was swollen and hard. We started looking into things for constipation. With no insurance, our options were limited. After a few weeks of home remedies we decided something else needed to be done. She signed up for a constipation trial where she would get a free physical and they would try to help her. Win-win situation. So, on March 22, 2012 my mom went to her first constipation trial appointment. Four and a half hours after her appointment time she called and asked me to go to her house so she could talk to me. of course i was there right away and she handed me a page that the doctor had given her about tumors. then she proceeded to tell me that she could no longer do the trial and that the doctor had told her to go straight to the hospital.
My mother, being the way she is, decided she wanted to wait until Monday. I convinced her otherwise. Saturday March 24, 2012 she went to the closest, fully equip hospital. After being there all day she finally called me. "Nikki, I need you and your brother to be at my house when I get there. There is something I need to talk to you guys about.". When she got home I could tell that she and my grandmother had been crying. She handed me a DVD and a booklet of papers. The very first page at the very top read, "Ovarian Cancer". I popped in the DVD and went through the images of the x-rays and ct scans she had done. the tumor was so huge. 27.6cm X 16.7cm X 22.4cm. The doctor told her she had to go to another hospital twenty minutes away that was better to handle her needs. The doctor told her "If I were you, I would go spend the night at home tonight. Be with your loved ones as long as you can."
The next day was a blur. They admitted her to the county hospital, told us it would be days before she could leave. She had IVs, monitors, and blood transfusions. They also informed us that she indeed had a cancerous tumor that had started on her right ovary. It was now so large that it was crushing every other organ in her abdomen. They couldn't do any surgery until her body was strong enough. They couldn't do the surgery because she was a cancer patient and only the GYN Oncologist could do her surgery to remove the tumor. This is a County Hospital and the GYN Oncologist is only there doing surgeries once a week.
They discharged her a week later, with a basket full of meds. Since that day there has been frequent visits to the emergency room, weeks of vomiting blood, sleepiness, and plenty of pain. it hurts to see her deteriorate before my eyes. She has a scheduled surgery for May 8,2012. The doctors don't seem very promising. I have never seen someone get as many hugs and "I'm sorry"s from doctors as my mother receives. I am trying so hard to be the strong one. to be the one that holds it together. But there are days where I feel as though I am breaking at the seams. I know that no one is ready to lose a parent, but it feels as though we have only had a few years together, times that were actually good. I am not ready to lose her.
I am going to try to keep those who are interested involved in they process of how things are going. Forgive me if I seem a little flighty or just generally not in a good mood. I am trying to keep my head up and be as positive as I can be. If anyone has any questions, please call or write me a message. Also, anyone that has any tips or advise, whether it is from personal experience or otherwise, please don't hesitate to lay it on me. I can use whatever you have for me.
Thank you for reading.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
My Word!!!
Wow it has been a long time!! So let's start from where I had left off :)
Rudy went back to work, which was hard at first. I had ALL four kids home by my self. It was very crazy taking the older ones to school but still keeping up with the schedules of the little ones. We coped and got on track. Then I went back to work and the two older ones went on summer break!!! Oh My Goodness! That was an adventure. But obviously we worked past it cause we survived and school starts again on Monday. Ahhhhh!!!! I feel like I am non stop all the time. Which I guess is expected, I mean, I do have FOUR kids!!
I am so excited for our future though. There have been alot of tough times but we have pushed through. I love my family and my friends that have stuck through it with us. We have been totally blessed by the support from those that love us. And blessed with the ability to love those that haven't supported us. All in all things are pretty darn good.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Oh No!!!
Tomorrow Rudy goes back to work. He has been so awesome since the baby was born, I don't know what I am going to do. We have all gotten so use to both of us being at home and being able to work together to get things done around the house. Plus, now that he is going back to work I am realizing that I only have a few more weeks till I go back to work! Then the real work starts... When I was working before it was so easy to just tell the kids "Come on, Let's go!" and they jump in the car to go to whoever is babysittings house. But now I have a little one who need a suitcase full of things and is alot of work when you haven't done it for awhile
Wish me luck! Hopefully I don't go crazy trying to balance the plates I will be spinning!!!
Monday, April 4, 2011
The day had come...
Cambria is here!! Yay!! Well, our little girl is here. She came nine days earlier than we had expected but we are sooooo happy. She was born March 15 @ 8:13pm and weighed 5lbs 9oz.
I had gone in that morning for my weekly visit and told the doctor that i had been having contractions so he sent me immediately to labor and delivery to be monitored. Since I had three previous c-sections it was very dangerous for me to be contracting regularly because my uterus could rupture. The nurses hooked me up to the monitors for two hours and saw that the contractions were regular so I got admitted and told that I was going to have my little girl that day.
Rudy and I were a little flustered because we still and a little over a week till our scheduled c-section and liked that we had it set and that we had time to get things settled the way we wanted. Cambria had other plans though. We did have to wait quite a few hours because there were a few emergencies before us. But then at about 7:00pm the nurses came in with our "outfits" and the gross stuff I have to drink and then it was go time. I got so nervous sitting in the operating room while they were getting everything ready! I was really freaking out.
After Rudy was let in the room I was a lot calmer, but very anxious. Then after what seemed like forever I heard everyone saying "It's a girl!" and "Oh, she is beautiful" but I did not hear the one thing that I was expecting. There was no crying. None. For those that know me know that I am a very nervous person so this was throwing me threw a loop. Finally I heard the tiniest cry and then they yelled out how much she weighed, "5lbs. 9oz.". I asked them to repeat themselves about six times. There was no way, I had never had a baby that little. Then I saw her, she was the smallest, most perfect thing.
The recovery went well and we even left the hospital a day early. She has been the cutest little thing. She is sooooo quite, when she is awake she usually just lays there and stares at us. I couldn't be happier with this ending to our baby having. Which to those that are wondering, Yes this is our last one. I was informed that I could not handle carrying another baby. We are totally fine with this and are grateful for the beautiful children that we have.
Hopefully I will get better at this blog thing and write more often, but we will see. Thanks for reading.
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